The Gauntlet
By Charlie Edwards
I recently took my fifteen-year
old daughter to get her restricted driver's license. We arrived fifteen minutes
before the official 7:30 opening time. My daughter, Becky assured me that
arriving this early would guarantee our rapid completion of the task, since most
people come later in the day. Unfortunately by the time we got there, a line
approximately sixty feet long extended from the locked door into the parking
lot. We decided to remain in the vehicle and wait for opening time. More people
began to arrive, so we hastily got out of the car and took our place at the end
of the line.
As we settled in to our
position in the emergent line we were closely scrutinized by the other members
of the lugubrious assembly. Having looked at all the strange faces and they at
us, and none of us knew each other, we were accepted and became part of the general
aggregation. The melancholy collection of souls consisted of a curious cross
section of county residents. Included were blacks, Latinos, and whites, all
ready and willing to run the gauntlet and jump through all the required
bureaucratic hoops in order to secure the sovereign of all government
documents, the driver’s license.
Becky had her package of
information including birth certificate, social security card, at least two
pieces of information showing that she resided in
My method of preparation for
such an occasion as this is to bring a book. I was just a few pages into a Carl
Hiaasen novel and figured I would get through several chapters on this opportunistic
occasion.
So there we were, Becky, with
her bundle of documentation carried in sweaty and fidgety hands and me with my
paperback. We stood in line between parked cars, breathed morning air tainted
with cigarette smoke, and listened to the sounds of idle prattle from the surrounding
throng. My head was buried in the novel as the line mysteriously crept forward
in spite of the closed and locked doors ahead. Every few minutes we took a step
forward, filling the gap left by the couple in front of us.
There was a loquacious man in
line behind us discoursing on the weather, with an emphasis on the amount of
precipitation we had recently received. He had a peculiar proclivity for
leaning forward and allowing a sizable dollop of saliva (helped along with the
earth's gravitational pull) to fall from his mouth. This curious procedure was
repeated every few minutes during his conversation and progression through the
line. I kept a watchful eye on the gentleman in my peripheral vision as the line
slowly crept forward. This uncouth exhibition behind us continued and was
punctuated with an audible “splat” on the pavement with each subsequent
repetition. It occurred to me that I should perhaps inform my column colleague
that not only was he depleting his body of much needed fluids (especially
noteworthy in light of existing high temperatures and humidity), but fouling
the sidewalk as well. In the end I decided it was best to ignore the inelegant
display and simply try to appreciate Hiaasen’s humor.
Eventually we were rewarded for
our sedulous efforts by gaining entrance into the building. A man counting out
twenty people at a time finally allowed us into the building and out of the
heat and humidity. We were promptly instructed to maintain our line and have
our paperwork ready. A blast of fresh cool air greeted us! This was much more
agreeable since we, as most fastidious nonsmokers, found the wafting nicotine
smoke quite grievous, not to mention the heat and humidity.
Within five minutes we were
speaking to one of the ladies behind the counter. My daughter had already
filled out the form she had secured from one of her previous visits. But since
then, the form had been updated with a newer edition. She was told that she
would have to fill out a new one and submit it. It was also then that I learned
that as her father, I too was required to fill out a form. We were given our
respective paper work and instructed to complete them in the adjoining room.
I was required to have two
forms of ID, which listed my current address. “Uh Oh,” I mused. My driver’s
license and handgun permit (both legal
This time we were allowed the spartan
comfort of government seating while we each dealt with our individual
trepidation. I tried to assure myself that I had indeed sent in my address
changes. Why then had they not sent me updated cards for my billfold? And what
about monetary fines and penalties for such criminal behavior? My daughter
seemed to handle her concern with a little more aplomb than her dad. She
continued stalwartly leafing through her driver’s handbook, cramming for the
coming examination.
Finally, our alpha-numeric
number was electronically displayed on the overhead board. A flashing arrow
sign pointed us to the next checkpoint.
“Rebecca Edwards?” a rotund
woman asked austerely. After a few words with my daughter the woman softened
and turned out to be quite friendly and helpful. I took this as a welcome and
auspicious sign of hope for our soon-to-be three hour investment. She requested
and then carefully examined the contents of the document package and approved
them. “So far, so good,” I ruminated.
“Dad, do you have your IDs?”
I smiled and blithely handed
over my two forms of identification, hoping there wouldn’t be any questions
about mismatched addresses. She duly noted them on her form, initialed it, and
handed them back to me. I was off the hook! I breathed a sigh of relief and
things were better already.
My daughter was handed her test
papers and instructed to proceed to the ominous testing room. I was handed her
information package and driver’s manual to hold while she took the test. Then I
was instructed to return to my seat, which I did with alacrity.
A little while later I looked
up to see my daughter’s smiling face standing in yet another line. This was the
“I’m finished with my test” line. I joined her and we chatted nervously, both
hoping she had aced the test.
In line ahead of us was a
teenaged young lady looking on as her test was graded. My daughter watched in
horror as the woman behind the counter brutally slashed through the hapless
teenager’s answer sheet with giant red X’s.
“I’m sorry Hon, but you didn’t
pass.”
We looked at each other, both
entertaining the same excruciatingly painful idea of having to repeat this
nightmare. The young lady ahead of us walked away defeated.
“NEXT!”
My daughter boldly stepped
forward and surrendered her answer sheet. She observed with dread as the woman
once again began ravenously attacking the incorrect answers with machine-like
rapidity. But the ruthless excoriation was curtailed before it went too far.
“You passed,” the woman said
with a wan smile. She checked off a few boxes on a form, initialed it, and
handed it over to Becky. She was told to proceed to the photo area. We had
successfully jumped through the main hoop, but still there were more to come.
We were not disappointed in
finding a lack of patrons at our next checkpoint waiting line. However, there
was no one behind the counter taking pictures. Finally the lady showed up and
resumed her unremitting work load. Fortunately, we only waited a short time
before two waiting room seats became available.
This was about the time things
began to get out of hand. The man who was counting out twenty people at a time
was nowhere to be seen. As a result, people began filing into the building like
a relentless column of fire ants. They had been waiting outside in the humidity
and heat for at least an hour and were anxious for the much improved
environmental conditions inside. The line took on a life of its own and began
to wind its serpentine collection of young and old license seekers around to
the photo area. The seemingly endless influx of humanity ultimately began to
impede the photo taking process. This did not sit at all well with the orderly
and explosive photo lady. She was not pleased to see her turf being invaded by
the objectionable intruders. In her raucous vocal manner she let them know unequivocally,
they were going to have to leave. About that time the “twenty at a time guy”
emerged from somewhere and began loudly protesting the unruly mob’s presence.
The assemblage, on the other
hand, seemed immune to the ranting of the two county employees. Ensconced in
their newfound and much improved surroundings, the individuals in the outside
heat and humidity line made no effort in adhering to the strident commands. The
shouting continued. The crowd stood its ground. Finally the gentleman began speaking
to individuals at the end of the line and ordered them, point-blank to retreat
out the door. One of the encroachers, an impertinent gentleman who sported a
T-shirt that touted, “Every Woman’s Dream” unleashed his unsettling invective
upon the ranting grouper while the others begrudgingly began their reluctant
exodus out the door. A recalcitrant customer ambitiously claimed a position in
line that was among the remaining twenty. However, the people in line around
him had other ideas and made it blatantly clear he was not in their group of
twenty. Within minutes the crowd dispersed, leaving the rest of us to ponder
the brief skirmish.
Shortly thereafter, my daughter
stood before the camera. Her photo was taken and afterwards she returned to her
seat. In a few minutes, the machine spat out the restricted driver’s license,
which was placed into the hand of one anxious and gleeful teenager. She smiled
triumphantly as she examined her new-found prize.
I was happy too because it was
time to leave. We made our way through the horde to the entrance. As we opened
the front door to make good our escape, we looked into the expectant faces of
the outsiders, who forlornly hoped we were there to bid them entrance. When
they saw that we were merely exiting, they resumed their mournful vigil and
enviously watched our departure.
We had completed the gauntlet
successfully! My daughter had received her restricted driver’s license and the
three-hour ordeal was history. She climbed behind the wheel of my pickup to
drive us home while I considered how long it would be before I would have to
return to the driver’s license center. “Perhaps by then we’ll be able to do it
online,” I cheerfully envisioned.
Writer's Note: I wrote this almost 20 years ago and found it on my old laptop. Thought I'd share it. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed a laugh or two. CE